Do you often struggle with talking to people? Do you sometimes find it hard to know what to say in a discussion, to keep a conversation going, or to get the other person really interested in talking to you?
A lot of the people I work with as a social confidence coach have these issues. And I know how it feels, because when I was shy, I had these issues as well, and with many people, I could barely make even basic conversation.
Over time, I’ve developed and fine-tuned a practical blueprint for conversation, designed to explain how conversation works, what your best possible actions in a dialogue are and how to combine them to make conversation run smoothly. I’d like to share this conversation blueprint with you.
My model for making quality conversation involves three major components:
- Asking questions;
- Sharing Information;
- Changing topics.
That’s really all there is to it! Do these three things well when talking to someone and you’ll have a smooth and engaging conversation.
Now let’s take each one of these components separately and see what it implies, how it fits into conversation, and how to execute it brilliantly.
1. Asking Questions
During a discussion, questions play two very important roles. First of all, they are an invitation for the other person to engage in the conversation. By asking your conversation partner a question, you get them talking, sharing information and opening-up. If they do that and you do that as well, you’re having a conversation and you’re on your path towards building a connection.
The main suggestion I can make here is to use open-ended questions rather than closed-ended questions. That means questions that require a longer, more detailed answer, rather than a strict “yes” or “no” answer. For example, ask “What do you think about this bar?” (open-ended) instead of “Do you think this bar is nice?” (closed-ended). It gets the other person saying more.
Second of all, questions reflect the topics you’re interested in. In principle, what you ask about is what you’re curious about.
In practice though, many shy and socially anxious people frequently ask questions about things they don’t really care about. Either because they’re safe, polite questions, or because they read those questions in some book or article on conversation.
I’ve seen this approach many times and it’s rarely effective. Trust me: you’re much better off asking questions about things you really care about, even if you have unusual interests. It makes it easier to pay attention to the answer, relate to it, and keep the conversation rolling.
2. Sharing Information
Questions play an important role in conversation. But if all you do is ask question after question after question, your conversation will seem more like an interrogation and it will likely make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Making smooth conversation entails creating a balance between giving and receiving data. So a smart conversation strategy is to mix asking questions with sharing information.
For instance, if I’m on a train, and in the same compartment with me is a woman who is reading a book and I wanna chat with her, I may ask her “What are you reading?” After she tells me the title of the book I might ask her “What’s it about?” But after she tells me that, I usually won’t proceed with yet another question. It’s too much.
Instead, I’ll probably make a basic comment about the content of the book she just described, and then I may tell her a bit about a book I read recently and I enjoyed, preferably (but not necessarily) one in a similar gender with the one she’s reading. In other words, I’ll share information.
By sharing information you allow the other person to know you, with your experiences, knowledge, thoughts, desires and so on. It’s a way to disclose yourself. And self-disclosure is crucial for creating comfort and encouraging the other person to open-up. So don’t skip on it.
3. Changing Topics
A 5-minute conversation can have a single topic. But longer conversations will likely need to go through several topics. The trouble for shy and socially anxious people is that often when they feel a topic has dried out, they insist on it or let the conversation die instead of moving it to another topic.
It’s like they need someone to tell them that it’s okay to move a conversation forward, from one topic to another. So I’m gonna tell you now: it’s okay to move a conversation forward, from one topic to another. You have permission to do that in conversation.
Just keep in mind one idea: a conversation flows more naturally if you switch between related topics; if you keep the topics knitted together. So if, for instance, I talked with a person about books for several minutes, it’s suitable for me to move the discussion to movies next, which is a related topic.
However, there are exceptions to this rule. It’s not a strict one. The main point is when you feel you’re done with a topic, to change the topic and carry on the conversation. By going from one topic to another, you can sometimes keep a conversation going for hours. I often do.
The Surprising Truth about Making Conversation
So now that you read this blueprint, you probably realize that making conversation is actually not that hard. Sure, making advanced, charismatic conversation is more complicated, but having a casual chat with another human being isn’t exactly rocket science.
In fact if you think about it, you may know individuals who aren’t particularly intelligent, knowledgeable or educated, and yet they have no trouble being social and chatting with others. I know I know lots of them.
So let me ask you this: what really makes you struggle with conversation?
During my 6+ years of experience as a social confidence coach, I came to realize that the capability to make casual conversation has MUCH more to do with your conversation confidence than your conversation skills.
If you struggle with talking with people, it’s probably not because you don’t know how to make conversation. You understand the fundamental principles of conversation. Rather, it’s because you lack conversation confidence, and this stands in the way of applying these principles well.
If you lack conversation confidence, when you’re in a conversation with someone it’s very likely that:
- You feel nervous and self-conscious;
- You keep doubting yourself and so you have a hard time talking and acting natural;
- You can’t think straight, so it’s hard to find something to say; or
- You put a lot of pressure on yourself, which ends up making you act awkwardly instead of performing well.
If any of this is true, the priority for you is, from my perspective, to work on gaining conversation confidence. And fortunately, your conversation confidence is something that you can visibly improve by addressing the underlying thinking patterns and beliefs that generate it. This is a process most of my clients have gone through, and many of their success stories are quite impressive.
Gaining conversation confidence is a psychological process with precise rules and steps though, and it’s important to understand it before you attempt this improvement.
A while back, drawing from scientific research and my ample social confidence coaching experience, I’ve created a guide actually called “Conversation Confidence”, in which I systematically teach this process with its rules and steps. To date this guide has been purchased by over 2000 people, from over 50 countries on 6 continents. I’d love for you to be one of the many people it helped.
So I suggest that you grab yourself a copy of this guide right now and start working on your conversation confidence.
Go here to learn more about the Conversation Confidence program. And if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.
