Here’s a question I got recently from Bryan, in California, who is a reader of my social confidence newsletter (which, by the way, you can join for free using the opt-in box on the sidebar to the right):
“What is the difference between shyness, social anxiety and introversion? All these terms confuse me.”
Yeah, these terms can be very confusing. If you find social interactions more or less challenging, you may have read or been told that you’re shy, or introverted, or socially anxious. But you probably don’t know which one you are exactly, what it means precisely, and what you can do about it.
I’d like to clear this up for you. Let’s start with shyness and social anxiety.
Shyness vs. Social Anxiety
In psychology circles there is still some debate about what sets shyness and social anxiety apart. But here’s what you need to know.
Shyness and social anxiety are quite similar. Both of them signify a feeling of uneasiness or apprehension in social settings, due to an exaggerated fear of being scrutinized or negatively evaluated by other people. The main difference is in the intensity and the prevalence of this nervous feeling.
The nervousness shy people feel in social settings is real, but not extreme. And it usually manifests in certain social situations in particular, such as dealing with strangers or members of the opposite sex, but not so much with old friends or persons they know well.
People with social anxiety on the other hand have an intense feeling of uneasiness, which is present in most social settings, and often accompanied by noticeable physical reactions such as nausea, sweating or dizziness. Social situations take a much bigger emotional toll on them.
As a result of this difference in the intensity and prevalence of the feeling of nervousness, the extent of the negative impact of shyness and social anxiety will differ as well.
Shy people typically have some friends, but not a lot of them, and they may play a marginal role in their own social circle. On the other hand, people with social anxiety often have no friends and no social life whatsoever, and avoid nearly all types of social situations.
Shy people often struggle with being talkative, keeping a conversation going and being totally coherent in what they say due to their nervousness, while socially anxious people may be unable to even start a conversation or say anything beyond the first sentence. Their distress can almost paralyze them in social situations.
The good news is that, as I explain in more detail here, both shyness and social anxiety are learned conditions, and you can unlearn them and take full charge of your life. And the process is essentially the same; it’s just gonna be somewhat slower and longer for socially anxious people than for shy people, because the feelings of nervousness they feel in social settings are stronger.
If you believe you have either shyness or social anxiety, I suggest that you take a look at my Conversation Confidence guide, in which I’ll teach you a thoroughly researched method for overcoming both of them. I’m sure you’ll find in it a reliable solution for your issue, as many others before you have.
What about Introversion?
Introversion is a term that’s often used in popular culture as a synonym for shyness, but it’s something different.
Introversion is a tendency to avoid excessive social contact and to find it draining. While shyness is created by your habitual thinking patterns and it’s something you acquire, introversion is created by the way your nervous system functions and it’s something you’re born with.
Each person’s cortical nervous system has a certain base level of arousal. Introverts have a system with a high base level of arousal, while extroverts have a system with a low base level of arousal.
Well, social interaction equates with stimulation, which raises the degree of arousal in the cortical brain.
So when an introvert interacts with other people, their already high cortical level of arousal goes even higher, which is why they find social interactions kind of tiring. This is particularly true if they interact with lots of people for prolonged periods of time. It’s too much nervous stimulation for them.
Conversely, when an extrovert interacts with other people, their cortical level of arousal goes up as well, but this is good for them because it’s low in the first place. This is why they constantly seek social interaction for the sake of interaction. They require that extra stimulation.
Neither introversion nor extroversion is good or bad. Both have their pros and cons. Being an introvert is not a flaw; it’s just the result of a certain brain type.
Plus introversion and shyness don’t necessarily go hand in hand. There are many confident introverts, just as there are many shy extroverts.
A confident introvert will have an active social life, enjoy social interactions and engage authentically in them, but after too many social interactions, they’ll feel kind of tired and need to recharge.
Introversion is not something you want to overcome and not something you can overcome, since you can’t change the brain type you have. Want you want and you can do is to manage your level of stimulation. And this means ensuring that as an introvert, you carefully mix social activities with solo activities.
Myself, I’m a light introvert. Sometimes I’ll deliver a full day seminar with 50 people, speak in front of them for several hours during the seminar, and chat with most of them individually during the breaks.
After a day like that, I spend the evening by myself, watching a movie or reading something and recharging. If my friends call me and say: “Hey, let’s go out!” I’ll say “Noooo thanks!” Because I know I had enough social stimulation for one day.
That’s what managing your level of stimulation means. And you can do it as well.
Now you can get a better idea if you’re shy, socially anxious, introverted, or two of three (either shy and introverted or socially anxious and introverted). And it’s your responsibility to use this knowledge in your best interest.
Bear in mind that whatever you wanna achieve in your relationships and social life, you can do it. Neither shyness, nor social anxiety, nor introversion can stand in your way. Either by overcoming them (for the first two), or managing them (for the last one), you can deal with them effectively.
Check out my Conversation Confidence guide for more of my practical guidance in doing this.
